How to Navigate a Marriage in Crisis

“I found a treasure trove,” she said. “I found so much information on marriage crisis and it just drove me crazy that this information is buried away in books and [I wondered], ‘Why isn’t it common knowledge for marriage therapists?’”

Dr. Whetstone began that journey 30 years ago. Today, she is known as “America’s Marriage Crisis Counselor” and has created a way to help couples from the moment the crisis begins through the entire process until final decisions are made. From there, she helps them implement those decisions and oversees the process to ensure that they are practicing “the healthiest possible decision-making and behaviors so their family can be successful all the way through it and beyond,” and that the children, especially, don’t become “collateral damage.”   

Her groundbreaking new book, “I (Think) I Want Out: What to Do When One of You Wants to End Your Marriage,” is a guide designed to help couples hit the pause button; understand the stages of marital deterioration; diagnose the severity of the marriage crisis; and learn how the nervous system impacts the way people feel and act.

When the Crisis Begins

“A marriage crisis begins when one spouse makes a pronouncement that they are unhappy in the marriage and are thinking of, or wanting, separation or divorce,” she writes. “Within thirty seconds, with just a few words, everything will change for the two, and life will never be the same.”

Dr. Whetstone acknowledges the chaos and ugliness of a marriage in crisis – noting there’s often anger, hurt, confusion, resentment, feelings of abandonment – one person may be demanding divorce while the other is fighting to keep the union together. And often, couples trying to manage this painful time don’t know where to begin and lack agreements about spending, living arrangements, seeing other people and parenting – with no timeline about what should happen next.

She says our culture around marital crisis and the secretiveness of the process needs to change. “Individuals need to feel safe to discuss with their spouse what they are thinking and feeling, even if it will be unwelcome news. This is the fundamental ingredient that must be present in every marriage that hopes to be healthy, and I can tell you that 100% of the couples who come to my office for marriage counseling are not doing this.”

Emotional Immaturity Ruins Relationships

Whetstone says when our nervous systems are triggered, emotional immaturity is the common reaction, stemming from childhood trauma. After working with thousands of clients, she writes, “I have never met anyone who doesn’t have childhood developmental trauma.”

She defines childhood trauma as “anything that happened in childhood that was less than nurturing – not getting invited to the birthday party or thinking that the little girl over there doesn’t like you or not being good in school – all these things are traumatizing to a child.”

In adulthood, she explains that childhood wounds reveal themselves in how we speak to each other and how we deal with issues in interpersonal relationships, particularly with a spouse, when we feel threatened. “It’s the emotional immaturity that comes from having been traumatized in childhood that we carry into adulthood and just destroys our relationships,” she said. “Having a good relationship is a learned skill.”

She also emphasizes that it’s our responsibility to take care of ourselves and know how to calm our own nervous system. “Learning to nurture yourself is one of the best medicines available.”

Mental Disorders and Marriage Felonies

With 600,000 American divorces annually, Whetstone cites statistics that reveal 20% of people will experience some sort of mental disorder during the year, while 10% of people have mood disorders like depression, anxiety or bipolar disorder, which she says are treatable and fixable.

“If you do have a mood disorder and you’re not having it treated, your spouse is going to be unhappy. Getting on medications and getting psychotherapy are the most effective ways of treating those and there’s no excuse for languishing in it and letting it affect your entire family.”

Marriages that struggle, she says, have a high proportion of people with personality disorders, such as antisocial personality disorder, narcissism, borderline personality disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder. “If you have a personality disorder, it will always exist and is not fixable. You can manage it if you try real hard, however, one of the biggest problems with a personality disorder is that those people believe there is nothing wrong with them.”

She discusses what she calls the three marital felonies: adultery, abuse and addiction. “I see all of those a lot in my work. Marriages have real problems, but 75% of marriages survive infidelity.”

Individuals with an addiction will most likely have to seek help to recover, like a 12-step program and counseling, she says. And abuse in a marriage should be taken “extremely seriously.”

“The odds of a person that is abusive changing are so miniscule, that you could almost say, they won’t change. And, it’s because most people who are abusive have a personality disorder and those people don’t change. They don’t accept responsibility and they are exceedingly immature, controlling usually. I tell a lot of people you really need to think long and hard about whether you want to stay with somebody who abuses you, that’s not going to change. They may verbally abuse you, emotionally abuse you, shove you or whatever, or maybe they never laid a hand on you, but we know that a person who emotionally or verbally abuses you, they are absolutely capable of physically abusing you, even killing you.”

What Makes a Good Spouse, a Healthy Marriage? 

Whetstone says being a good spouse is about making time for the marriage and knowing what makes your spouse feel loved.

“Don’t waste your time doing the things that don’t make them feel loved by you. Do the things that do make them feel loved and it keeps their heart singing for you, it keeps the fire stoked. But if you just get busy with your career, your kids and your chores and you don’t tend to your marriage, it will absolutely begin to die and it will go from, let’s say, the summer, where it’s all warm, to the wintertime, where it’s cold and distant.”

Despite all the difficulties that can occur in a marriage, she says 70% of those in crisis survive. “I have found that couples need to be able to tell themselves, ‘I did everything I could to save my marriage,’ before they opt for divorce. This process gives them that peace of mind that they did everything they could, whether they reconcile, separate or divorce.”

“I (Think) I Want Out: What to Do When One of You Wants to End Your Marriage” provides worksheets and the Managed Separation agreement template, which Dr. Whetstone created. It is available on Amazon in paperback, Kindle and Audiobook. QCBN

By Bonnie Stevens, QCBN

For more insight from marriage and family therapist Dr. Becky Whetstone, watch Zonie Living and hear from America’s Marriage Crisis Counselor in person at starworldwidenetworks.com/shows/bonnie-stevens.