child behavior

The last year and a half has been difficult and stressful for everyone. Overnight, our lives were turned upside down and we were left to figure out how to navigate unknown territory. Families lost employment and income, there was uncertainty and fear, in-person contact with our support systems stopped and parents were dealing with stress and anxiety about how to take care their families. In a very short period of time, schools, daycares, community centers, sports, extracurricular activities and a number of other things closed or stopped. In the midst of our own stress, it can be hard to remember that the lives of our children were also significantly impacted. In addition, children are very sensitive to the stress of their caregivers. If we aren’t OK, they aren’t feeling OK.

Stress and anxiety manifest in many different ways in individuals. Without thought and practice, we can easily turn to a number of maladaptive strategies to just try to deal with and calm the uncomfortable feelings in our bodies. As adults, we can all list different ways that we deal with stress and anxiety and this list likely includes strategies we know are not the best way to manage these feelings. This is the same for our children. They are not only experiencing these same feelings, depending on their age, they do not have the cognitive development, insight or awareness in which to recognize and manage these feelings in a healthy way. As a result, what we often see are behaviors that are frustrating and confusing for parents and caregivers.

Depending on the age and developmental level of the child, the behaviors you may notice include regression of a previously mastered skill, difficulty with attention, difficulty with controlling their bodies, moodiness, increased need for attention, trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, concerning themes in their play, among many others. The first task for the caregiver is to not be reactive, take a step back and try to see the need under the behavior. This can be a very difficult task when we are dealing with our own stress and anxiety, which doesn’t always lend itself to being in a place of patience and guidance with our kids. The four Cs are helpful to think about when responding to difficult behaviors:

Calm ourselves before responding to behaviors. Think about that oxygen mask on the plane and how we have to put that on first before we can assist others. Take some deep breaths, go to a quiet space, count to 10, whatever you need to do to respond in a calm manner.

Consider the fact that the behavior may not be intentionally defiant or manipulative but rather a stress response and/or a strategy to meet the need of trying to manage or deal with the emotions.

Focus on Connection. We know that connecting before correcting calms the stress response and helps kids get to a more calm state. Respond calmly and identify the likely emotion; for example, “It looks like you are really angry right now. I wonder if you would be able to sit with me and take some deep breaths or read a story,” or whatever activity might help calm in that moment.

Communicate. Once the adult and the child are in a calm and connected state, it is time to communicate about what was not acceptable about the behavior, what may have been going on for the child, and different ways to respond in the future.

These difficult times call on all of us to help each other and our kids, and learn ways to manage and adapt to stressors. The skills we teach our children set the foundation for healthy coping strategies throughout their lives. QCBN

By Leah May

Leah May, MS, LCSW, IMH-E is a child and family therapist and manager with Polara Health Children’s Services.